Golden Tea and Donkey Ladies January 31, 2009

Once upon a time, there was a little kingdom. And in this little kingdom, no one was more powerful that the owner of the tea shop. (As it should be! Can you think of anything more awesome than tea? Thought not). Now, most of the time, the owner of the teashop ruled wisely and fairly. However, he had two pet peeves: people who stole tea, and people who lied about tea. Most of the time, this wasn’t an issue at all, because everyone knew about these pet peeves, and no one wanted to be cut off from the source (in this case, refused service in the tea shop).

However, some days were worse than most. For example, one day, the teashop owner was just cleaning up for the night, when he spotted traces of his famous Vanilla Blossom tea on the ground. He swept it up, only to find another spot. And another, and another, until he found himself sweeping a trail of tea leading him just outside to a beat up tin carried by…a tea thief! Apparently, a new arrival in the kingdom had thought to get away with not paying by sneaking loose teas into his tin and making off with them.

The teashop owner could not conceal his rage. And what a terrible rage it was! Never had the man felt so ashamed, so embarrassed at himself, as when the teashop owner screamed at him. He was positive the lecture would echo in his dreams. Perhaps that was why he made the rash decision of offering up his only daughter.

You see, he’d made a promise to the teashop owner. He promised his daughter could brew tea from a block of solid gold. Although it sounded ridiculous, the teashop owner decided to give it a try. Should the man be lying however, he would certainly give him a yelling at he would long to forget.

So the girl arrived the very next day, and was promptly ushered into the kitchen, where she could remain until the end of the day, working on her tea. Once the door was closed, she promptly began to fret.

It was all a terrible idea, she’d thought. Who would even want to drink tea made of gold? It sounded heavy and metallic to her, not at all relaxing. But it was what the teashop owner wanted, and the girl had never seen her father so afraid as when he returned home with his ill gotten tea.

So she fretted and she worried and wept a while, crying out for help, any help at all. She fell asleep, because she knew not what else to do, and when she awoke, the block of gold was gone and there sat on the counter a cup full of hot, piping, gold tea.

The teashop owner was more than pleased. He took a sip and demanded she make enough for him to sell in his store the next day. After that, he would consider their families even.

So the girl fell asleep again, thinking this was what made the magic.

But, clearly, it was not. She awoke some time in the middle of the night, and found no cups of tea before her. So she wept, and cried, and worried, and fretted, trying to discern which coping strategy had worked the last time. Finally, she called for help, and something appeared before her!

It appeared at first glance to be a wizened old woman, or an elf, or maybe a donkey. Whatever she was, she spoke in a pleasant, croaky voice, and promised the girl she’d have all prepared for the next day, provided she exchange one boon before the day was done.

Now, the girl wasn’t stupid, and she didn’t think she should be making any nameless promises to old elf-donkey women.  But the thought of her father’s face gave her pause, and after ascertaining that the woman wouldn’t be taking her first, second, or any born, she agreed.

And so the next day, the golden tea was ready, the shop was full, and people from all over the kingdom had a try. It went over very badly.

After all, who wants to drink tea made of gold? It’s heavy and metallic. Not relaxing at all. But, the teashop owner had only asked for a day’s worth of golden tea, not its success, so he didn’t begrudge the girl or her father. In fact, the girl proved quite adept at making the regular sorts of tea when the customers needed something to wash the gold out of their mouth. So, in time, the teashop owner took her on as his business partner, and she never spent another day or night weeping in the kitchen.

As for the old elf-donkey woman, she claimed her prize once the festivities were over by grasping the girl’s tea-thieving father about the wrist and dragging him home. Turned out she’d always had a thing for him. The girl was disturbed at first, but she seemed a reasonable enough old elf-donkey lady, and her father did manage to stop by the teashop every now and again. So she figured all was well.

The End.

Source: Rumplestiltskin, Brothers Grimm

Hansel and Gretel, Creepiest Twins Ever January 28, 2009

Once upon a time, there were a brother and sister called Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and Gretel were more than just a brother and sister…they were twins (you thought I was going to something else, didn’t you? For shame.). In fact, they were as close as twins who are not identical could be. They dressed alike. They finished each other’ s sentences, that is, when they weren’t speaking in unison. They referred to each other as “Brother, dear!” and “Sister, mine”. It was really sort of eerie.

Now, Hansel and Gretel lived with their father and stepmother in a small cottage they were quickly outgrowing. One night, unbeknown to the twins, their parents had a conversation. The conversation was regarding Hansel and Gretel themselves, and how they were becoming too large to live in the house, and how a new house could not be afforded and well, the kids would have to be off on their own way. And okay, maybe there were arrangements that could be made, but the fact of the matter was that besides being too large for their little beds, they were creepy and annoying.

The twins heard none of that conversation. What they did overhear, however, was the conversation their parents had the very next night, the one where they agreed to go for a drive the next day, kick the kids out of the car, and abandon them. And so, when they were told the next day that they were going on a road trip, they smiled and said nothing. When their father pretended to be lost, they fretted and said nothing. And when they were asked to get out of the car and look for directions, they complied and said nothing.

Once they were out of the car, however, Hansel explained to his sister that the whole time, he’d been dropping crumbs from the window, to make a trail they could follow back. Gretel exclaimed that she, too, had done the same thing, and that with two trails to follow, they’d certainly make it home again.

Except…when they reached the road, they were greeted with a terrible sight. There were no crumbs! In the distance, they could make out shapes on the road and soon discovered a veritable trail of dead birds. Oh! The poor things must have stopped to eat the crumbs, and been killed for their troubles. The most unfortunate thing, however, was that many of the birds had obviously made off with their food, so there was not even a trail of dead birds to follow home.

Hansel and Gretel wandered for some time, lost and hungry. One day, though, they stumbled upon something amazing. A house made of candy! Even though neither was fond of candy (they preferred beefy jerky and salted crackers), they attacked the house like children who had not eaten in several hours.

They were soon interrupted, however, by the owner of the house herself. She came out, waving a large candy cane, and shouting obscenities, crying that it was never okay to eat another person’s house, no matter how hungry one was, and did they know how much work it took to build a house of candy, much less maintain it? She had just about chased the twins off her sugar glazed property when she stopped, and spoke softly, saying that maybe they could come in after all.

She gave them proper food and water, and then made this deal: In exchange for repairing the damage they had done, Hansel and Gretel could live at the house and have three meals a day. They stayed with the old woman for quite some time, since, as she had told them, it was quite a lot of work to build a candy house.

But after a while, Gretel started to notice something odd. The more they worked, the more Hansel ate, sampling shingles and tasting tiles. Gretel, however, had no appetite for sweets. Something was very wrong! She and Hansel had never differed in opinion on such a matter. She began to suspect that Hansel was under a spell, and that the witch (for she had determined that the woman must be a witch) meant Hansel some terrible harm.

Her suspicions were confirmed the very next day, when the old woman asked Hansel to remove some chocolate she was cooking in her oven. Hansel approached the huge stove, plump from all the candy he had been eating, when Gretel realized…she meant to eat him! That was her plan all along! Without thinking, Gretel shoved the old woman, and she fell screaming into the oven.

That night, Hansel and Gretel enjoyed a meal of salted witch carcass and crackers, and they lived happily ever after, in the eeriest way possible.

The End.

Source: Hansel and Gretel, Brothers Grimm

Little Someone-Or-Other in the Pinstriped Fedora January 23, 2009

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was affectionately called Little Someone Or Other. She didn’t much like the nickname, but it was a vast improvement on Little Red Riding Hood, the name she’d gotten for one time wearing a red cape she’d certainly never go riding in. Since then, she’d worn a different hat every day, and her family and neighbors and adjusted their affectionate name-calling accordingly.

Now one day, she donned her hat (that day, a black pinstriped fedora) and matching blazer, all prepared to visit her grandmother. She carried with her a basket full of things her grandmother had specifically requested.

It was a nice day, even in the dark and scary woods, and she stopped more than once to look for interesting coins and things that people had dropped on the ground. Her grandmother always liked to see her collections. The second time, she was interrupted by a wolf, who had strolled right up to her and asked how she was enjoying the beautiful day. As if she wouldn’t realize that a talking wolf, walking on two legs and wearing a top hat,  was not a normal thing at all! But she was polite, so she upheld her end of the conversation, and agreed to show the wolf the things she was bringing along.

“No food! But whatever will your poor grandmother eat?” He exclaimed, upon hearing her inventory. “You know, I myself am a fantastic cook. Everyone in the forest thinks my chicken cacciatore is to die for! Why don’t I come along with you?” Little Someone Or Other pretended to think on it, but she knew that that would never do. Everyone knew wolves where only after one thing, and that was grandmothers to eat.

“Perhaps,” she said, still pretending to consider it. “Only I should look again. Maybe I did bring some food after all. Can you take this?” So she handed him one of the items– a glossy gossip magazine. As soon as she was sure he was completely engrossed in Brad and Angelina’s new baby plans, she hurried away.

Only a few moments later, however, the wolf caught up to her. “I didn’t see you go!” he said, handing her back the magazine. “Now, about that meal…”

“Only you’ll need supplies!” she replied, thinking quickly. She pulled out her collection of interesting coins and things from her basket, and handed them to the wolf. “Here, take this and buy some groceries. I’ll meet you right here.”

Once she could no longer see the wolf, she hurried away again. This time, she was nearly all the way to her grandmother’s house before she realized…the grocery store was on the way there! Indeed, the wolf was walking out, arms full of vegetables and spices and raw chicken cutlets, as she passed by.

“Lucky we met here!” The wolf cried when he saw her. “I may need to put some of this in your basket after all.” She allowed him to put away some of the spices and the smaller vegetables while she thought about what to do next.

“Oh!” she finally cried. “I have forgotten, I was meant to bring milk!”

“Milk?”

“Milk. Only, I do not want my grandmother to worry. Why don’t you go ahead to tell her I am coming, and I will meet you there.”

“Of course!” the wolf replied. “I will have the meal ready once you get there.”

I bet you will, the girl thought, and she wrote down a made up address on her last item, a yellow legal pad her grandmother had wanted for making lists.

Once the wolf was on his way, the girl hurried off for the last time. Even though she’d sent him in the wrong direction, she didn’t want him finding her grandmother by accident. She ran all the way, carrying the heavy basket, and so was quite out of breath when she finally arrived at her grandmother’s door.

“Oh, Little Someone Or Other!” her grandmother cried. She was sitting at the table, eating out of a tupperware container. “You must run up the hill to Ms. Whatsit’s home. There is a handsome wolf there making chicken cacciatore for her, and she’s sharing! Hurry and get some–it’s to die for!”

The End.

Source: Little Red Riding Hood, The Brothers Grimm

Three Little Pigs with Increasingly Preposterous Homes. January 15, 2009

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs, all who happened to be excellent at designing and building homes. One day, a hungry wolf started roaming around their town. The oldest pig decided to get to work, building himself a fine brick home with a working fireplace and state of the art kitchen. So then, when the pig ran into the wolf at the local pharmacy the next day, and the wolf threatened to “huff, and puff, and blow your house down!” the pig said, “I’d like to see you try!” And that was the end of that.

Until that night, when the wolf arrived at the pig’s door, huffing and puffing and trying his hardest to blow the house down. The pig hardly noticed, since he had music on, and the sound of the wolf’s breathing didn’t carry. But then, he heard a thumping sound, a banging sound, and the wolf burst through the pig’s living room, with a jackhammer and a helmet. Before the pig could run away, the wolf had put him into a sack. (Did you think he was going to eat the pig raw? Then he is not the wolf you think he is.)

The next day, the wolf ran into the second pig in the pharmacy, threatened to “huff and puff and blow his house down,” and dropped subtle hints that he had one pig already. The pig, being clever, recognized the hints and abandoned work on his own brick house. Instead, he donned a wetsuit and began work far beneath the sea, where he was sure the wolf would not be able to huff or puff or do any manner of blowing.

Imagine his surprise, then, when that very night, a submarine burst through the side of his new home! Before he could put his suit back on, he was smuggled into the sack with the other pig and carried away.

Now the third pig ran into the wolf in the pharmacy the next day, and he was told directly that the wolf had two pigs already and would be coming for him next. So he hatched a plan, and by nightfall, was sitting in his new home…on the Moon.

Sure enough, the wolf stepped off his own spaceship just in front of the pig’s house, but had not planned on the lack of gravity he found there! He began to float away, sack and all. The youngest pig, prepared for this, used his anti-gravity device to draw the sack back to him, as the wolf floated away into space. The two other pigs, who thankfully had not been cooked yet because the wolf had been unable to procure the right spices, praised the youngest pig’s clever thinking and fine house. They decided to remain on the moon, and there they lived, happily ever after.

The End.

Source: The Three Little Pigs, Traditional Fairy Tale

The Tortoise, the Hare, the Badger, and the Drag Race. January 11, 2009

Once upon a time, a tortoise and hare prepared to engage in a drag race. They spent months working on their cars, practicing their left turns, and, in the case of the hare, ragging on the tortoise.

“I will crush you on the race course!” He’d declare, following it up with a not so nice dance, and maybe a few insulting remarks about the tortoise’s mother. But the tortoise paid no mind. He just prepared for the race as he had ever done, slowly and steadily.

And yet, when the starting gun went off on the day of the race, the tortoise was going nowhere. The recent adjustments he’d made to his racecar to improve his performance had left his short little legs dangling just inches away from the pedal. Meanwhile, the hare burst off so quickly all the tortoise could see was an explosion of dust and tiny rocks. The badger was right behind him (yeah, there was also a badger racing, and if you think the hare sounds mean, you should have heard the things the badger was saying to hare just minutes before the race!)

So, the tortoise set to work with his blowtorch and hammer, adjusting the seat so he could reach the pedals and be on his way. With the tortoise nowhere in sight, the hare had already forgotten about him, and was concentrating all his energy on the badger, who was, it seemed, gaining on him at every turn. Also, making faces.

In fact, the hare was concentrating so hard on making sure the badger did not surpass him, that he failed to pay attention to the swerving road ahead of him, and he plunged straight into the wall in a fiery explosion.

Now, the badger saw all of this through his rear view mirror as he sailed past the hare, and as he watched the flames englufing the car, he realized that all this time, the hare was, in fact, the love of his life. He couldn’t live without him! He immediately made a u-turn, heading straight for the wreck.

And so, the tortoise won the race, passing the wreck in his newly adjusted car easily. As he accepted his shiny trophy, the badger walked across the finish line, half dragging the mangled and burned body of the hare, who was, miraculously, still alive. After the hare’s recovery, the two were together forever, although they did always have second thoughts about inviting the tortoise to their barbeques and wine tasting parties. He had, after all, driven right by while the hare remained in mortal peril.

The End.

Source: The Tortoise and the Hare, Aesop’s Fables