How to Find a Giant’s Heart April 30, 2009

Once upon a time, there was a king who had three sons. Now, he loved two of his sons very much, and tried very hard with the third one, who spent much of his time trying on fine things and looking at his muscles in the mirror.

Of course, it was the two older sons who asked him if they could go on a journey to find themselves brides, and although the king was loath to see them go, he did love them very much, and gave them what they wished, on one condition: they were to bring home a bride for their younger brother as well. If he were going to lose his favorite sons, he figured, he might as well empty the house in one sweep.

So the sons went on their journey, and happened to to meet another king, with two beautiful daughters. They pursued these two girls and made very happy matches, forgetting completely about their younger brother. Now, they were on their way home, stopping every few miles to have a raucous celebration on various lawns, when the owner of one of these lawns came outside. This particular lawn-owner was a giant, who promptly turned the boys and their new wives to stone, and then went back inside to finish his nap.

When the king heard what had happened, he became very sad. So sad he hardly noticed at first that his younger son was offering to take on the responsibility of finding his brothers and bringing them home. Once he realized what was happening, he gave his youngest the finest horse and finest, noblest traveling clothes he could find, glad he could finally give his younger son something he wanted.

Now nobly attired and horsed, as any proper hero should be, the youngest son set out to insist the giant turn his brothers back the way they were before, and right any wrongs he should encounter on the way.

He saw a raven, sitting against a tree, patting its full belly.

“You look hungry, friend Raven!” he cried. “Allow me to help!” And so he stuffed some of his bread into the Raven’s beak.

Later, he saw a salmon, trying to struggle up and out of a river bank.

“You look lost, friend Salmon!” he cried. “Allow me to help!”  And so he picked up the Salmon, and threw it as hard as he could back into the river.

Finally, he saw a wolf loping gracefully along his path.

“You look hungry, friend Wolf!” he cried. “Allow me to help!” Unfortunately, he had run out of food feeding himself and the raven, so all he had to offer was his horse. The wolf insisted that he really did not need to eat the horse, thank you, and that if the prince would stop insisting upon it, the wolf would tell him where to find the Giant Who Had No Heart, who happened to be just the Giant the prince was looking for.

He arrived at the Giant’s house the very next day, and rang the doorbell.

To his surprise, it was answered by a lovely woman.

“You must be the princess of the Giant Without a Heart!” he cried. “Allow me to save you from his tyrannical grasp!”

She explained that grasp-freeing would not be necessary, and led him to the dining room, where his brothers and their wives were enjoying brunch with a well mannered giant. They made a place for him at the table, and the princess calmly explained, again, how after the turning-to-stone incident, she had finally had enough of living with a giant with no heart. She proceeded to ask him every night where he kept his heart, but he kept lying (“I even went to a faraway lake to find the egg of a duck that sang sonnets,” she explained, “but no one wants to hear that story”). Finally, she’d found it behind the refrigerator, cleaned it off, and performed surgery on her husband while he slept. The next morning, he’d apologized immediately upon waking, and went about un-doing the nasty things he’d done without his heart.

So, without a quest to undertake, the prince ate his brunch, thanked his hosts, and rode back home with news of his brothers. The king tried his hardest to be happy to see him.

The End.

Source: The Giant Who Had No Heart In His Body, Norwegian Folk Tale.

The Unlikely Adventures Of An Impolite Boy Made Of Bacon April 26, 2009

Once upon a time there was a young man, and the young man was hungry, and the young man was lucky. Because there was a fair amount of uncooked bacon in his freezer.

He threw a few pieces of bacon, as well as one round breakfast sausage,  into a frying pan, and then a strange thing happened.

The pieces of bacon practically floated in the oil until four of them extended from one long piece. It was not until the breakfast sausage made its way to the top of the pan that the young man realized what he was looking at: a person made entirely of breakfast.

Before he had a chance to register what had happened, the just-created Bacon Boy leapt into the air with a high pitched laugh, and jumped from the pan to the floor, streaming hot bacon fat behind him. As he ran, he sang a song the young man could just barely make out:

“Think you can catch me?
I may as well stop to do a jig!
You’re portlier than I am,
And I’m made from a pig!”

The young man thought about chasing him, but decided not to bother. He didn’t usually like bacon after it had been on the floor. Plus, his feelings were hurt.

The Bacon Boy, meanwhile, ran from the apartment building onto the street below, where a little dog was being walked on a short leash. Immediately, the dog caught the whiff of bacon in the air, and began to bark and pull on the leash.

“Think you can catch me?
I’ll be the judge of that!
Just try to run
While you’re slipping in my fat!”

The Bacon Boy laughed and left the little dog behind. In the park, he encountered several pigeons, who attempted to run after him or fly after him, or some strange combination of the two. But he kept running, and he kept singing:

“Think you can catch me?
That plan’s sure to fizzle!
You may flap your wings fast,
But unlike you, I sizzle!”

The Bacon Boy continued to run through the park until he reached the other side, and descended the steps down into a subway station. Down in the tracks, he attracted the attention of quite a few rats, who slowly crept along behind him, hardly able to hear him sing:

“Think you can catch me?
Think you’ll be fed?
I can outrun you,
And I have sausage for a head!”

But the rats kept moving, even though soon they could hardly hear the Bacon Boy over the sound of the approaching train.

He must have seen it coming, because he began again to sing:

“Think you can catch me?”

The rats hopped off the tracks as the train rushed by, and when it had passed, they were vaguely disappointed to find that the Bacon Boy was gone.

The End.

Source: The Gingerbread Man, Traditional Fairy Tale

Jack the Would Be Ninja Killer April 23, 2009

Once upon a time, a boy named Jack, who had previously won the acclaim of his mother and the rest of the neighboring folk by outwitting a giant ninja, developed insomnia. You see, even though Jack knew he had been victorious, had seen the ninja fall when he brought down the ladder that had connected his home to the giant ninja den in space, he could not help feeling as though he was being watched. All. The. Time.

In all likelihood, he was being watched. Jack knew what other people did not: that the giant ninja he had thwarted was in fact composed of many regular sized ninjas, and he had not actually seen the giant ninja hit the ground.

And so, he wore his bathing suit in the shower. He slept with the ninja sword he’d stolen next to him. He took only the most public of roads from his house to the village and back. Still, he could not shake the feeling that something was coming, and soon.

The first attack came on his way to school.

He was walking carefully, making sure not to step on any cracks, when there was a burst of air near his back. He turned to find his back pack lying on the ground, the straps severed. He ran home and did not return until later, with his mother and her cow Moopy for back up, only to find a dead ninja lying on the path. Jack had no idea what had happened, but he let his mother congratulate him on taking out the ninja.

The second attack came in the morning, when Jack was eating his breakfast cereal. Every time he went to put a bite in his mouth, he found the spoon empty. AS IF A NINJA WAS STEALING THE CEREAL FROM HIS SPOON. In a panic, he flung the cereal in the air and ran from the room. Later, he came back with his mother, cow, and pet cat Candace for back up, and found a dead ninja lying on the kitchen floor, surrounded by soggy cereal. Jack had no idea what had happened, but he let his mother alert the local news team.

After that incident, news began to spread about Jack and his ninja killing prowess. He was praised by the neighbors, interviewed by the local paper, and introduced to tourists as “Jack the Ninja-Killer”.

But just as he began to get comfortable, the third attack came.

He was just falling asleep (weapons in the trunk at the foot of his bed), when a shadow fell over him. There was a steel flash in the dark, and then Jack saw no more.

The End….for now.

Source: Jack the Giant Killer, English Fairy Tale

Diamonds and the Dog Fairy April 19, 2009

Once upon a time, there was a widow who treated her older daughter well, and her step-daughter not so well. She would throw dishes on the floor just to make to make the girl pick them up and wash them. She would make the girl zip her into dresses that were clearly too tight. Worst of all, she would often send the girl to get water from a well miles away from the house, even though the plumbing worked just fine.

One day, when the girl was visiting the well (for the third time that week!), she saw as she approached a small, skinny dog looking wistfully at the well.

“Oh, don’t worry, little guy!” she said, for she was kind and good and all that. And she lowering her bucket into the water and set it in front of the dog so he could drink. Once he had his fill, she dipped the bucket in again.

Before her eyes, the little dog began to transform! He was not a boy dog at all! Suddenly, a fairy with a tail and a long whiskered nose was looking down at her benevolently. She tried to avert her eyes, so she wouldn’t begin laughing at the fairy. It just seemed like the sort of thing One Does Not Do.

“For your kindness, I will reward you!” The fairy proclaimed. Her tail was wagging. “Now go, and reap the benefits!”

So she went, a little confused. When she arrived home, she opened her mouth to explain to her step-mother and sister what had happened, and…

a diamond fell out of her mouth.

By the time she had made it through the whole story, there was a small pile of precious stones at her feet. Her step-mother and sister were so clearly preoccupied with the gems that the girl wasn’t sure they’d been listening at all until her step-mother said, quite clearly,

“Real daughter, go give that dog some water. NOW!”

And the daughter ran off as fast as she could.

However, there was no dog to be found when she finally arrived at the well. She looked in bushes and in trees, and all she found was a cat, and she was so annoyed she promptly kicked the cat.

Suddenly, a fairy with a tail and a long whiskered nose stood before her.

“You are unpleasant and mean,” the fairy declared. “Go home!”

The daughter stamped her foot and demanded she be rewarded as her sister had been, but the fairy simply turned back into a cat and ran up a tree.

So, she began to walk home, muttering obscenities to herself. After some time, she realized she was being followed.

More dogs than she had ever seen in one place were trailing behind her, looking at her as if she had everything they could ever want. For a moment, she thought she’d found the real gift-dog, and made ready to rush back to the well.

But then she coughed, and this time, she noticed: a dog biscuit had fallen from her mouth.

“What?” she said.

Another dog biscuit fell to the ground.

By the time she’d reached the house, there was a small army of dogs following her. She only hoped she’d be able to explain the situation to her mother.

The End.

Source: Diamonds and Toads, Charles Perrault.

How to Cure a Cold, Starring the Lion. April 16, 2009

Once upon a time there was a lion, and the lion had gotten quite sick. He lay around his cave for days, blowing his nose and leaving tissues around, hacking up big gobs of phlegm, and lapping out of the same large bowl of water.

Now, many animals from the surrounding area did come to visit the lion in his time of infirmity. They would bring soup, or a movie, or cough drops, but nothing seemed to make the lion happy. He would roar that the other animals didn’t understand his pain, and order them to leave. This was something of a relief for the others, because they certainly didn’t want to catch whatever the lion had got.

But one animal, the wolf, was something of an instigator, and on a particularly boring day, he went to visit the lion. The lion roared, and yelled, but the wolf didn’t move.

“Did you notice that the fox hasn’t come to see you?” the wolf asked, instead. “That is because he is sleeping in his own cave, because he is also sick. Only, he was sick before you were.”

He tossed around a few words about germs and how they spread, and then let the implication settle in. The next day, he brought the fox to visit. Now, the fox was just fine. No runny nose, no coughing. But the wolf had developed something of a sniffle, and couldn’t help snorting up great heaps of phlegm in front of the lion.

So when he suggested to the lion that the only way to get rid of his cold was to kill the other animal who was sick, the lion immediately struck the wolf down.

The fox was rather surprised by this turn of events. “I was just going to tell you to take a bath and get some sleep,” he said.

So, leaving the wolf’s corpse where it lay, the lion followed the fox’s advice. He felt much better the next morning, and to this day, he still doesn’t know which cure helped him, after all.

The End.

Source: The Lion, the Wolf, and the Fox, Aesop.

The Little Toy Rabbit April 12, 2009

Once upon a time, there was a very special rabbit. He was bright red and made of plastic, with wheels beneath his feet and long string, for pulling, attached to his head.

But the very special rabbit had a secret.

More than anything else, the toy rabbit wanted to be a toy spider. You see, the rabbit lived in a room with two little girls and several other toys. The most popular toy around was the plastic spider. The spider was many different colors. The spider also had wheels and a string for pulling.

One day, the rabbit heard whispers coming from something nearby. Then, the stuffed bear next to him cleared his throat, and told the rabbit quite loudly that there was someone in the closet who could make any wish come true. Any wish at all.

However, there was one serious problem. The closet in question was all the way on the other side of the room. Without the help of having the string pulled, the rabbit could only keep up a very slow pace. And of course, the children who could pull the string were busy with the toy spider.

It took days, but the toy rabbit made it, and entered the closet. The darkness enveloped him as the door closed. Above him, he could feel the draft of heavy clothes swinging, and the smell of moth balls hurt his nose. But deeper into the closet he ventured, until he reached the shadowy figure sitting against the wall all the way in the back.

“Why have you come here?” The voice was ancient, authoritative. The rabbit was nervous, but he explained his desire.

” I see,” said the voice. Then there was a cough, and a cloud of dust. The shadowy figure began to move into the light, and the rabbit found himself facing a relatively tall stuffed elephant.

“Let’s see,” the elephant said, rather cheerfully. His voice had become much higher since the cough. “Take two of these and see me in the morning.”

The rabbit spent much of the night just outside the closet. He tried to sleep after taking the tablets the elephant had given him, but they burned going down. By the middle of the night, he felt like his plastic was melting.

He returned the next morning fully intending to tell off the elephant for whatever crock he’d fed him, but when he arrived at the back of the closet, the elephant just grinned and held up a mirror.

The rabbit had eight legs. He remained a red plastic rabbit on top, but underneath, eight bright red legs had grown, all with wheels at the end.

“There’s still some work to do,” the elephant admitted, “but you’re coming along nicely.”

This time, the rabbit made his way proudly to the other side of the room. He couldn’t wait for the children to see what he was becoming.

But something was wrong. He noticed it immediately — the ever popular spider was still sitting on the toy box, looking as if he hadn’t been touched all day. A shrill noise broke the silence, and the rabbit looked over at its source.

The children were fussing over a new plastic puppy. It had no wheels. It had no string for pulling. But it barked, and moved its head from left to right.

The rabbit didn’t know what else to do, so he slowly made his way back to the closet.

“Why, that’s easy,” the elephant said, after the rabbit had explained the problem. “You just have to kill the kids.”

The elephant offered no explanation, just grinned and slunk back into the shadows.

For a moment, the rabbit was very conflicted. How could he kill the very children whose attention he so needed? Did they really deserve it?

But then, the rabbit had a revelation.

The spider had been easily replaced by a puppy. He could be unpopular as a rabbit just as easily as a spider.

And then, the rabbit had a second revelation.

He was still made of plastic. And the elephant was plush.

So he rolled into the elephant’s side and grabbed a few tablets.

That night, he fell asleep with a burning feeling in his stomach, waiting for his legs to become wheels.

The End.

Source: The Little Mermaid, Hans Christian Andersen.

Princess/ Dr. Sheep April 9, 2009

Once upon a time, there was a king who was not quite all there, mentally speaking. The King’s family and kingdom and the castle staff were used to his eccentricities, whether they included declaring random days “Pancake Day” or swimming in the shallow fountain with his pet frog, and considered him, on the whole, harmless.

Until the day, however, that he betrothed his only daughter and heir to a sheep. Everyone waited for the king to forget about the promise, or change his mind, but as the day of the wedding drew nearer, and the king seemed sure as ever that he really did want his daughter to marry the sheep, thank you, everyone started to get very nervous. Especially his daughter.

So she came up with a plan that she hoped would work despite how silly it seemed in her head. She informed her father that in order to be married, she had to have the exact the right outfit. And the exact right outfit was a lab coat belonging to the finest doctor in all the land.

He agreed, and she was relieved. After all, she figured, the finest doctor in all the land was not terribly likely to give up her lab coat, on account of how she’d be needing to wear it herself.

But it turned out, that Dr. Jane the Finest Doctor in the Kingdom had a spare, and was happy to help out the king. She had the coat delivered before nightfall.

So, another plan had to be worked out. This time, the princess informed her father that she would need the perfect veil before she could wed. The only veil that would do must be made of sheep’s wool, so that she and the bridegroom would match perfectly as they walked down the aisle. Her husband-to-be would be needing all his wool for the big day, she figured, and there would be none to spare for her veil.

Unfortunately, she had not specified which sheep the wool should come from, and her father simply sent someone to shear one of the other sheep. The veil was ready by nightfall the next day.

Having no other choice, the princess sadly gathered up the veil, the coat, and an old ring of her mother’s, and snuck away from the castle.

She wandered for some time, before finding herself in another castle all together, and, after covering herself with the woolly veil, she was granted a position in the castle kitchen.

The cook already there was a bitter sort, and always made disparaging remarks about the princess’ woolly exterior and funny way of laughing. The princess tried not to be bothered by it, but she wasn’t particularly used to people being mean to her, or hating her for no reason at all.

One night, she was so distracted by a comment the cook had made about her teeth, that she wasn’t paying careful attention to the soup she was preparing. Once she sent it out to the banquet hall for the banquet in honor of the prince being held that very night, she realized that her mother’s ring, which she’d been wearing, was missing. She thought back to when she had last seen it, and knew for certain that it had fallen into the soup.

Obviously, the situation had to be remedied. She needed that ring back, and didn’t love the idea of some unsuspecting banquet frequenter choking to death on it. So, as soon as she got the chance, she snuck out of the kitchen wearing her lab coat, and spent the evening lurking around the perimeter of the banquet hall.

Sure enough, when the soup was served, it was the prince himself who took a big gulp and promptly began to choke. The princess sprang into action, administering the Heimlich to the poor prince, and pocketing the slimy ring, assuring the prince she would find out where it had come from. He thanked her again and again, and begged her to stay and dance. She agreed to one dance with him, but had to run out afterward and return to the kitchen.

The very next day, unbeknownst to the princess in the kitchen, the prince began a search for Dr. Jane the Finest Doctor in the Kingdom, who had, after all, saved his life. The princess had no idea this was happening until the entire staff received an invitation to the wedding.

All the way there, and all the while they waited for the ceremony, the princess felt very sad, and she did not know why. Finally, as she played with the ring in her lap, she had a realization: It should have been her! The prince must have gone looking for the doctor because he read the name on her lab coat and tracked her down. What’s more, she realized that she wanted to marry the prince, even though she’d only met him the one time.

And so she did the only thing she could. She interrupted the wedding in a terribly dramatic way, and showed the ring to the prince as proof it had been in fact she who had saved his life. He exchanged her for the doctor on the spot, and asked that the wedding continue, but with her own name substituted for the doctor’s. And that was that.

Dr. Jane went back to her hospital, somewhat glad she hadn’t gone through with marrying someone with such a short attention span. And back in the other kingdom, the King decided to start a new career as an exotic horticulturist, and the Sheep became King. All agreed he was a wise and just ruler.

The End.

Source: Donkeyskin, Perrault

Jack and the Giant Ninja April 5, 2009

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Jack who lived with his mom. Now, things were getting tight, finance-wise, in Jack’s mom’s household, and one day, she finally admitted defeat.

“Well, Jack,” she said. “I think we’re going to have to sell it.”

By “it”, she was referring to her collection. You see, Jack’s mom owned the kingdom’s largest collection of novelty lunchboxes. She was very proud of it, but Jack couldn’t say he was sad to see it go. The collection did, after all, have a bigger room than he did.

By “we’re going to have to sell it”, she meant that Jack would have to load it up, take it into town, and find a buyer. She instructed him to get what it was worth after consulting an authoritative collectibles guide, and reminded him to buy some groceries on his way back home.

It turned out, however, that not very many people had the funds or inclination to purchase collectible lunchboxes. By the end of the night, Jack had sold only one, and was getting really tired of dragging it all around. It wasn’t really surprising, then, that he agreed to the very first trade offer made to him.

“But what will we do with a giant ladder?” Jack’s mom was not best pleased with him. Even after he tried to explain that it was a ladder to the heavens, she went to bed without speaking to him.

Although he meant to wait until the next morning, Jack found himself getting out of bed in the middle of the night and examining the ladder. If he could figure out exactly how it was useful, he figured, he could explain to his mom in the morning, and then she’d start speaking to him again. So he set up the ladder and started to climb.

After what seemed like a very long time, Jack was surprised to find himself in Outer Space. A little further in the distance, he spotted what looked like a nest. Maybe there was something of worth in there.

But when Jack finally reached the nest, inside all he found were ninjas. There were sleeping ninjas all over the place, curled up in corners or hanging from the ceiling. Jack hardly had time to examine the large pile of shiny weapons in the corner before one of the ninjas’ eye opened, and a ninja star narrowly missed his head. Jack took the hint and scrambled down the ladder.

His mom didn’t believe the story the next day, as he’d hoped. So that night he snuck up again and managed a closer look at the weapons before one of the ninjas woke up and let out a whistle. He heard the sounds of blades opening as he hurried down the ladder.

She still did not believe him.

So he went again, earlier this time, and managed to stuff several shiny sharp ninja weapons into his backpack before he heard a terrifying sound behind him. This time, it wasn’t only one ninja who had awoken. This time, every ninja was awake, weapons ready.

Jack hurried down the ladder again, hoping all his practice would allow him to get down faster than the ninjas. He tried not to watch the dark shapes descending on him, but he couldn’t help but stop and stare when the shapes came together and formed one giant ninja with one very scary weapon, who was advancing down the ladder very quickly.

But Jack made it down first, and shoved the ladder over with all of his might.

He sold the weapons, bought groceries and other stuff, and his mom started speaking to him again.

Although he never saw the giant ninja again, or the many smaller ninjas it was comprised of, he was suspected it was out there somewhere.

And he was right….

The End.

For Now.

Source: Jack and the Beanstalk, Collected by Joseph Jacobs and Benjamin Tabart, not at the same time.

Why Fish Don’t Make Great Best Friends April 2, 2009

Once upon a time there was a girl who had just gotten a shiny new phone/mp3 player/ otherwise magical communication device for her birthday. However, she was not the most careful of birthday girls, and soon found herself considering her new toy at the bottom of a stream she didn’t even know was in her backyard.

Not knowing what else to do, she started to cry, promising anyone and everyone in the vicinity she’d do anything if she could only have her phone back.

Soon enough, she saw it rise to the surface of the water, and once it was safely in her hand again, she met its rescuers: ten scaly, slippery fish.

But she was so happy, it didn’t even occur to her to be freaked out by this development.

“Thank you! You’re my best friends! I love you!” she cried and skipped home.

Later that night, however, there was a terrible banging on her door, and when her father opened it (she was hiding behind him), she saw nothing at all….

because the ten fish were standing one on top of the other, of course, and formed such a tall thin tower she couldn’t see it past her father.

But the one on the top explained what they had done for the girl, and what the girl had said. They were over for a play date with their new best friend, it said.

And her father let them in, reminding his daughter that she’d made a promise and would keep it. So she let the fish follow her up to her play room, and tried to think of games they could play together. Card games were hard, and board games impossible. Hide and seek worked for a little while, but she soon grew impatient with the fishes’ slow movements. She finally had to settle for “We’re going on a picnic” until one of the fish interrupted.

“You know,” it said. “One of us is a prince. If you kiss us all, you can figure out which.”

The girl didn’t so much believe the fish, but she was really bored. So she kissed every fish on what she imagined was the cheek (it hadn’t specified lips, after all. If fish even had lips). Not a one turned into a prince.

One did, however, turn into a llama, and the fish seemed just as surprised by that as the girl was.

The End.

Source: The Frog Prince (Also, The Frog King or Iron Henry), The Brothers Grimm