The Goose and the Golden Stocks June 28, 2009

Once upon a time there was a farmer who kept geese and ducks and cows and magical horking creatures, all on his tiny farm. He was happy as a farmer, but did sometimes worry about his ability to make a living with such small stock.

Now, one day, he went about collecting eggs from as his geese as per usual, when he noticed something strange. Instead of an egg, one of his geese was sitting atop a scrap of paper with some writing on it. Now, the farmer couldn’t make any sense of this scrap of paper, so he took it to his good cow.

She put on her glasses, looked at the paper, and informed him that it was a stock option, and a rather good one at that. She recommended he sell it.

He did so, and was rewarded with quite a lot of money.

The same thing happened when he found another stock option under his goose, and then again, and again.

He started to wonder, sometimes in the long dark hours of night, and sometimes when he was performing simple tasks, like making jam out of the magical horking creature’s fur, just how much hypothetical money was in that goose.

I’m afraid to say he became rather greedy, and cut the goose open, hoping for all the other stock options to come right out.

But inside, there was no paper. Just goose insides. The goose, however, became very cross and nipped the farmer on the hand. After pulling herself together, she marched away from the farm and never came back.

The End.

Source: The Goose that Laid Golden Eggs, Aesop

Ashley Guppie June 24, 2009

Once upon a time, there were three sisters: Ashley, Eshley, and Ishley . Now, Ashley was the oldest sister, as well as the cleverest, so she made it her business to make sure her younger sisters were staying out of trouble and not eating poisonous mushrooms and things like that. Usually, she did a pretty good job of it.

One day, she and her sisters came upon a little house some distance away from their own. They hadn’t had neighbors for some time, (not since the incident), so they were overtaken with curiosity and knocked on the door. Inside were three little girls about their same age, and their mother. The girls were very nice, and they played games for the rest of the day, until the girls’ father came home, and hinted to them that maybe they should get home before dinner.

Later that night, Ashley found herself lying awake. There was something off about that father, she thought, but she couldn’t figure out exactly what it was.

So the next day she took her sisters and went off to play with the other three girls again. She stalled their games just long enough that she was still there when their father arrived home.

This time, she could see it clearly: he was a bear. Sure, he was walking on two legs, wore thick glasses and a tie, and carried a newspaper under one arm, but it was clear to Ashley now that he was covered in brown fur, had a long nose and rows of sharp teeth, and sort of cute rounded ears.

There was no way, she figured, that it was okay for a bear to live in the neighborhood. But how could she get rid of him? She knew she would need more time.

Luckily, her sisters had grown quite fond of the three girls, who, interestingly enough, didn’t look anything like bears themselves. So they spent a lot more time at the house, and one night, the little girls invited them to sleep over.

Ashley made sure to keep her eyes on the bear the whole night, and just before bed, he called all the girls over and said he had a present to give them. He then took out three necklaces covered in pieces of raw meat, and slipped them over the heads of Ashley and her sisters.

Now this was very suspicious indeed.

Ashley waited until the other girls had fallen asleep, then took off the necklaces (which, frankly, were beginning to smell), and put them over the heads of the other little girls. Sometime during the night, she heard a horrible chewing, smacking, gnashing noise, and when it was over, she allowed herself to peek over the edge of the bed. There was a pile of bones there.

Suddenly, Ashley began to feel very guilty. What had she done?

The next morning, she awoke early, and hurried her sisters past the bones, and through the doors. On her way out, however, she noticed something strange: all three girls were sitting at the table, with the meat necklaces on. Their father was there, reading the newspaper. At one point, he looked up over it at Ashley, and his expression was not friendly at all.

The End. For now…

Source: Molly Whuppie

With a Big Fluffy Tail and Pointy Fangs June 21, 2009

Once upon a time there was a Secret Queen who was married to a King who had a head like a llama. They lived in a little house with the King’s sister, who was a dog with the head of a llama, and the Queen’s brother, a kangaroo with the head of a llama and a big fluffy tail, like a squirrel. The King and Queen were very happy together in their little house, and their siblings enjoyed chasing each other around the trees.

They were even happier when the Queen had a baby girl, especially since the baby did not have the head of a llama. However, word somehow got back to the Queen’s Stepmother that her two stepchildren, who had run away from her some time ago, were still alive and happy. She resolved to make herself an important part of their lives again.

Now, here is a secret: the stepmother was a vampire. She had been a young vampire when the two children were left to her to raise, and the constant effort to not eat them made her rather cranky. Hence the bullying. But since that time, she had gotten more used to being a vampire, and had even sired herself a sullen little daughter.

So she packed up some things, and one night she and her daughter traveled to the little house where the King and Queen lived with their furry siblings. She surprised her stepdaughter in the bath one night, and maybe accidentally bit her a little. But she was able to begin the process to turn her into a vampire, so she didn’t, you know, die. In the meantime, though, she didn’t want anyone to realize what she had done, so she glamored her own daughter up a little and told her to fill in for the queen.

This plan worked for a little while, even though the “Queen” was suddenly cranky and ate all her food rare. Things really started to fall apart, though, when the stepmother began to hear the real Queen from underneath the floorboards, and the King began asking questions.

“Mice,” she said the first time.

“Big mice,” she said the second time.

“Undead mice,” she said the third time.

And that answer might have satisfied the king if the floor hadn’t opened at that very moment, and the true Queen emerged and grabbed her baby. She explained to the others what her stepmother had done. After subtly removing the baby from the Queen’s arms, the King called his sister and brother-in-law and asked them to take care of their visitors.

And so the stepmother and her daughter were thrown into the stream out back. Since they were undead, however, their transformation took so much of the stream’s magic that it dried up completely, and when it did, the King, his sister, and the Queen’s brother were also transformed, back to almost normal. The Stepmother and her daughter, on the other hand, became llamas, albeit llamas with pointy fangs, and they too lived happily ever after in the little house next to the dried up stream.

The End.

Source: Brother and Sister, Brothers Grimm

And the Clowns June 17, 2009

Once upon a time, there was a man who loved the circus so very much that he dedicated his life to producing and distributing the materials necessary to make it run. He especially loved outfitting clowns — big red noses, big red wigs, big red shoes and colorful jumpsuits made him happier than just about anything in the world.

Unfortunately, over the years he saw the circus business decline slowly, until the circus stopped coming pretty much all together. He could no longer hear the call of the ringmaster, smell the elephants, see the brightly colored tent from his window. This made him very sad. But what made him especially sad was that with the circus went his business. In fact, he had just enough material to make his very last order, a pair of bright yellow clown shoes with the back end of an elephant elephant painted on each over-sized toe.

So one night he laid out all his materials, and left them overnight to begin work in the morning. But when the morning came, he was awakened by a banging on his door. He answered in his nightshirt, and on the other side was a very surly clown.

The clown just scowled, and demanded his shoes. In a panic, the man tried to stall while he went to his workspace, and was surprised to find the shoes complete.

The clown grumbled thanks, paid him, and stomped away.

The man briefly wondered why the clown was so angry, and indeed, how exactly the shoes had come to be finished, but stopped wondering when he realized the clown had left him a tip. A very large tip.

He was able to buy enough material for at least two more pairs of shoes, and place an ad in the paper of a neighboring town, where the circus still visited occasionally.

Two more orders came in, and the man happily set out his materials to work on the next day.

But when the next day dawned, he found again that the rubber red nose that honked and pair of blue striped shoes had been finished during the night.

And it didn’t stop there.

For weeks, he had more orders than ever before, but still every night, his work was completed for him. For a long time, he was able to concentrate on marketing and sales research, and his business did better than ever before. He even started Twittering about the clown outfitters business.

One night, he decided he needed to know how it was all happening. So he laid out his materials, shut off all the lights, and in the dark, waited, and watched.

Late into the night, they emerged.

A tiny car drove by the table, and out piled six or seven tiny clowns, all in the nude. At least, the man assumed because of their makeup and wigs that they were clowns. They had no shoes! No jumpsuits! No large red noses!

After running around and falling down comically for a little while, the clowns set to work on the remaining orders, and piled back into the car only after the last jumpsuit had its wildly inappropriate buttons sewn on.

The man was so touched that he dedicated the next day to making six or seven tiny clown outfits, complete with jumpsuits, noses and shoes, each with a theme color and clever design on the toes. That night he waited again, and watched them collect their new belongings, model them in front of the mirror he’d left for them, and get back into their tiny car.

After that night, he never saw them again.

At first, he was a bit mad at himself for his role in losing their services. But although his business slowed down, he was able to keep it, and sometimes he made new tiny clown clothes and left him in his workshop, just in case.

The End.

Source: The Shoemaker and the Elves, Brothers Grimm

With a Big Fluffy Tail June 14, 2009

Once upon a time, a girl and her brother lived with their stepmother, who was not at all nice to them. She would call them names and stick her tongue out at them, and sometimes even give them noogies.

Once they got a little older, they decided they had had enough and ran away from home, bringing with them only what they could carry. They left in the night, while their stepmother snored and muttered something about donkeys in her sleep.

After a long night and long day of traveling, the two became tired and thirsty. But at the first stream they discovered, a fish wearing glasses popped out and said quite clearly:

“Don’t drink the water. It will give you a big fluffy tail, like a squirrel!”

So the girl pulled back, but her brother drank deeply. When he stood up, he did indeed have a big fluffy tail, just like a squirrel. He had a hard time controlling it at first, and it kept brushing against his sister’s face, making her sneeze.

After a while, it got so bad, they had to stop so she could sit down and blow her nose repeatedly, and her brother resolved to get her some water. So he went off to get some, and while he was gone, a friendly chipmunk hopped over and told her,

“Don’t you drink that water! It will turn you into a kangaroo!”

She told her brother immediately when he returned, but he only shrugged and then drank the water himself.

And turned into a kangaroo.

With a big fluffy squirrel tail.

He asked if she wanted to ride some of the way in his pouch, but she declined.

Finally, they came to a little house with a stream running next to it. There didn’t seem to be anyone there, but for a bird who sat in the tree just outside.

“Don’t drink the water,” the bird said. “It will turn you into a llama. The tap water inside is just fine, though.”

The girl turned to tell her brother, but he was already drinking the water from the stream. When he came up for air, he did indeed have the head of a llama. With the body of a kangaroo, and a big fluffy squirrel tail.

“There’s good water inside, you know,” she said. Her brother just shrugged, and hopped into the house.

For a while, they were actually pretty happy. It was a nice house, in a nice little area, with a faucet and a stocked fridge. Every day they went for walks, and watched animals who drank from the stream turn into llamas.

But one day, the house’s owner came home. The girl and her brother fled into the woods, and watched as their home was taken back by a man with the head of a llama, and his dog with the head of a llama. Every day, though, when the man and his dog went for a walk, the brother sneaked back in and came out with food.

Except one day, the man saw him. He watched from just outside as a kangaroo with the head of a llama and tail of a squirrel sneaked into the house, removed a loaf of bread and some turkey, and hopped back into the woods. He watched as the creature stopped and set out the food for the prettiest girl he had ever seen, and then ate his out of a little bowl.

He watched a few more times, but one day went over to talk to them. He explained that he was really a king, but he was so embarrassed at having been turned into a llama that he hid out in the woods. He asked the girl to marry him.

At first, she was conflicted. She didn’t know if she believed his royal claim. And, even if he was really a king, did she really want to marry something with a llama’s head? But she did love the house, and besides, her own brother had the head of a llama now, and she couldn’t very well discriminate against others of his kind.

So she agreed, with the stipulation that her brother was able to stay with them as well.

“That’s just fine,” the king said. “My sister needs to stay with us as well.”

Next to him, the dog nodded.

The End. For now…

Source: Brother and Sister, Brothers Grimm

A Little Man Who Wears Many Different Hats, Part 2 June 11, 2009

Once upon a time, there was a young man who had been tricked by a little man in a sailor’s cap into grabbing a goose made entirely out of syrup, and as a result had his food stolen away from him.

Now, Less,(short for “Less Attractive than his older brothers” ,Fair and Handsome) was feeling quite down about himself, because of the goose situation, and tired, when he arrived home with his hands stuck to this goose and with his two brothers dragging beside him. He was certain his mother would want to have words with him, and that most of them wouldn’t be nice.

So he was surprised at least to find his mother considering a poster at the dining room table, and even surprised that her face broke into a rather disturbing smile when she turned around and looked at him.

“There’s  a grand prize,” she explained. “The king needs someone to make his daughter laugh. Three grown men stuck to a goose made out of syrup should do it!”

“What’s the prize?” Less asked. He imagined himself, briefly, marrying the princess and spending the rest of his life jet skiing across grassy plains and relaxing under an oversized umbrella as a storm raged around him.

“25 whole dollars!” she said, instead. “Can’t beat that!”

And so, even though he thought the whole thing was a little absurd, Less dragged the goose and his brothers to the castle, where the king sat in his throne, presiding over a long line of clowns and jugglers and stand up comedians. A young lady, presumably his daughter, sat next to him and yawned occasionally.

By the time Less got to the front of the room, he was so tired of waiting on line and so annoyed with his brothers, who kept waking up and demanding waffles, that he said the first thing that came out of his mouth, which, unfortunately, was,

“Don’t you have better things to do all day than parade people in front of your daughter?”

Luckily for him, the princess did in fact laugh, so hard she fell out of her throne. If that hadn’t happened, the king might very well have executed our poor hero right there.

But laugh she did, and the king had no choice but to hand over $25.

He took the money home, and put it aside. He and his mother worked at getting the goose, and his brothers, unattached to Less.

But soon, another flyer circulated, this one promising $50 dollars for anyone who could finish a gigantic loaf of bread.

At first, Less felt very put upon by his mother’s request for him to enter the contest again. But then, he had an idea.

On the day the contest was to begin, he wandered into the forest, until he spotted a little man wearing a hat made out of fruit. Once he knew for certain he had the little man’s attention, he began to sing a song about a gigantic loaf of bread, and how happy he would be to eat it all.

Just as he had planned, the little man followed him all the way to the castle, and then proceeded to trip him and beat him to the bread, which he ate without stopping to breathe, or even swallow, it seemed. When he had finished, the king awarded a $50 bill…to the little man, who promptly ate it.

Somehow, Less had not foreseen this turn of events, so he went home rather frustrated. And the next week, when his mother showed him a flier announcing a contest to see who could drink a basement full of fizzy blue soda, he outright refused.

Here’s what he did instead: he took the $25 dollars, bought a ring, and asked the princess to marry him. She said no, but he felt he had accomplished something in the asking, anyway.

The End.

Source: The Golden Goose

The Icky Bridegroom June 7, 2009

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was promised in marriage by her family to someone she did not care for at all. He was a short thin man with a narrow mustache and shifty eyes. Worst of all, he pronounced schedule “shedule” and even though she made it a point to talk about her busy”ska-edule” whenever he came to visit, he unfortunately still wished to marry her.

Before the wedding could take place however, her parents insisted she visit the man at home, to make sure he had no terrible secrets, like bodies under his deck or cats that bit. He provided her with a poor map he had printed off the internet, but to make sure she could find her way home again, she dropped lentils as she went. She didn’t like her mother’s lentil soup anyway.

She soon reached a little house in the shadow of a giant willow tree. As she slowly approached it, however, she was startled by this:

“Brraaaaack! Don’t go in there!”

“Braaack! you’ll regret it!”

It took some time, but she managed to track the voice to a parrot sitting in the tree above her.

“Shhh!” she said. “He’ll hear!”

There were footsteps then, and the sound of the door creaking. Quickly, she darted behind a chest of drawers behind which there was an extraordinary amount of dust.

Her bridegroom to be had indeed entered the room, but luckily he had not noticed her. She could tell because of the next few things he did.

First, he sat down in the middle of the floor and took off his shoes. After taking a long whiff, he cut his toenails. He then swept them into a little pile and put them in his pocket.

Next, he filled a small kiddie pool with cologne and got into it. He stayed in there for quite some time. After a while, she could feel her eyes burning from all the fumes in the air, but she dared not move or risk giving away her location.

Finally, he stood before the mirror, occasionally murmuring things like “You’re a tiger. Rawr!” or “Rock my world! Rock it hard!” while sometimes slipping his hand into his pocket and chewing on something he had found there.

And then he went into the kitchen, and his bride to be made her escape.

“Brraaack! Going already?” called the parrot.

She tore down the path, following the trail she’d left for herself, and immediately told her father what she’d seen upon arriving home.

* * *

On the day before the wedding, the sun shone and people arrived, mostly not on time. But during the rehearsal dinner, the bride-to-be stood up and shyly (she hoped) asked to make a speech for the man who would be her husband.

“I had a dream,” she began. “I dreamed I went to your house, in the woods, and met a parrot who told me to go no further. I dreamed I heard you coming, and hid behind some furniture. And I dreamed I watched you do disgusting things, like bathe in cologne.”

At this point, several noses pricked up near the bridegroom.

“And smell your own feet.”

“And cut your toenails.”

“And collect and eat them.”

All eyes turned on the bridegroom, who was nervously chewing on something, his hand in his pocket.

The End

Source: The Robber Bridegroom, Brothers Grimm

A Little Man Who Wears Many Different Hats June 4, 2009

Once upon a time there were three brothers, called Handsome, Fair, and Less Attractive Then His Two Older Brothers (let’s call him Less for short). Now, usually all three brothers spent their days in leisure, playing games and reading and eating and fighting with each other. Their parents did most of the work.

But one day, their father was accosted by an angry moose, and while he was on bedrest, their mother realized she was going to have to give her sons work to do.

The first task she set them was to collect wood. Their stockpile was quickly running out, and she didn’t like when the cat’s paws got too cold. So, she packed up a nice meal for Handsome, and told him to collect as much wood as he could manage. However, not long into his trip, he was stopped by a little man with a jester’s hat on.

“Excuse me sir,” he said. “I’m so very hungry. May I have some of your food?”

Handsome considered. “No can do, little man,” he said. “For if I give my food to you, what will I eat? No can do.”

He went off on his way, but the little man with the jester’s hat on sneaked up behind him and hit the back of his leg very hard with an ax. While Handsome was down, the little man stole his food and ran off.

Later that night, when their mother realized that the cat’s paws were cold, and therefore that Handsome had never come home, she sent Fair out to find him, packing him a nice snack should he get hungry during his search.

He set out, but soon into his journey he was stopped by the same little man, only this time he was wearing a cowboy hat.

“Please, good man, I’m so hungry,” he said. “Might I have some of your food?”

But Fair just walked on, as though he didn’t hear the little man at all.

And so, just as he thought he had spotted his brother, the little man in the cowboy hat hit him over the head with a large novelty hammer he happened to have on his person. He stole the food and ran off.

The next day, upon realizing that neither Handsome nor Fair had returned, their mother sent Less in search of both or either of them, packing him a lunch made of leftovers.

Soon after he set off, however, he was stopped by the same little man, this time wearing a sailor’s cap.

“Please, sir, I’m so hungry,” he said. “Might I have some of your food?”

Less considered his request. “I guess,” he said. “Let’s sit down and share it.”

The little man seemed taken aback, but he exclaimed, “How kind of you, sir! For your generosity, I will share a secret with you. If you cut down this tree, you will find something wonderful inside.”

So Less cut down the tree, and found inside a goose made entirely of syrup. But when he tried to pick it up and put it in his pack, he found his hand stuck fast to the goose.

While he was stuck, the little man stole his food and ran off.

At this point, Less figured he might as well just go on with his search, and when he found his brothers he stuck their hands to the goose as well and slowly dragged them back home.

The End. For now…

Source: The Golden Goose