The Vampire Tree July 30, 2009

Once upon a time, a woman who was reasonably attractive on the outside but not on the inside married a man with a pretty little son. She soon grew jealous of the boy’s fair complexion and fantastic hair, and began to worry that her own little daughter would stand no chance of garnering attention at family gatherings. She made it her mission, therefore, to make certain that it would be her own daughter, and not her pretty stepson, who one day inherited her husband’s collection of fishing rods autographed by various neighbors.

She found herself angry at the boy for no reason at all most of the time, and often had to remind herself that she couldn’t give him extra chores or take away his dinner for no reason at all. When her husband was around, anyway.

But one day, as she stood in the kitchen with a frying pan in her hand, the little boy walked by,  his perfect hair standing up as if by its own accord, and she became so angry she hit him on the back of his head.

He instantly fell down dead.

Not knowing what else to do, she propped him up in a chair by the television and put sunglasses over his eyes.

However, later, her little daughter, who got on quite well with the boy, complained that he was being weird and wouldn’t play. Her mother told her to give him a push, and the girl returned only moments later, crying that she had killed her own poor brother.

Jumping immediately into action, she instructed her daughter to bury the boy outside and assured her she would make up a story to tell the boy’s father. But even after the grave was dug and covered, and even after the boy’s father was thoroughly convinced that his son had left his family to sell soap animals door to door, the little girl still cried about her brother.

After dinner, she went out to the tree he was buried underneath, and left her favorite doll on his grave.

As she watched, her brother emerged from the ground, prettier than ever and looking very pleased with himself. When he smiled, two sharp fangs stuck out from his mouth. He thanked his sister, and went off into the night in search of fine young ladies to court.

He rescued one young lady from a terrible rainstorm, but after he’d delivered ongoing professions of eternal love and devotion, she gave him the beautiful earrings she was wearing, if only he would go away.

He watched one young woman sleep in her room, and when she awoke, promised to be with her for the rest of her life, but she offered him an antique vase sitting on her dresser if he would promise never to watch her sleep again.

He romanced one young woman at the edge of a cliff, promising her she’d never have to walk or drive anywhere again, and she gave him her best fishing rod so that he would kindly walk away from her.

So he returned home, with gifts in hand, but he looked so otherwordly and eerie that his father refused to let him in, even after he presented him with the fishing rod. Luckily, his sister still loved him quite a lot, and she invited him in immediately, thanking him for the earrings and the vase.

Once he was inside the house, he killed his stepmother and drank her blood.

The End.

Source: The Juniper Tree, Brothers Grimm

Katie Kickinthenuts July 27, 2009

Once upon a time, a girl named Katie tried to help her sister.

You see, for some time, Katie’s family had been quite disturbed by her sister’s tendency to “baa” like a sheep instead of saying things like, “I’ll have more milk, please” or “The barn is on fire.” At first it seemed that she was only trying to annoy them, but after some time, the family had to admit that the girl was cursed with some terrible affliction.

So good Katie decided she and her sister would travel in search of a cure. After a few nights on the road, they stopped at an inn decorated with a large neon fish, which seemed odd, since they were nowhere near the coast.

During dinner, Katie and her sister were subjected to the innkeeper’s long and boring rant about his son, who apparently sat around all day doing nothing for society. Katie’s sister baaaed pitifully a few times, but Katie bit her tongue until she heard the innkeeper mention that he knew his son went out every night but no one had ever successfully followed him and learned what he was up to.

Katie immediately agreed to follow him in exchange for their room that night, and when her sister fell asleep, she followed the unobservant boy from the inn to a hill, where he climbed through a hole.

Katie was right behind him the whole way, and she stayed by the door the entire night, lest someone should see her.

It turned out that the boy was attending a goblin party, and as she watched him play cards and other games with the goblins and lose more and more of his money, she realized he was under a spell as well.

She knew she would not be able to solve the problem in one night, so she went back and asked the innkeeper for more money, promising she could help his son.

The very next night, she followed the boy through the hill again, and watched carefully for signs of how to undo the curse. However, she was distracted by two goblins nearby, who were whispering,

“Yeah, and if she just blows into this fish here, she’ll be able to talk again.” Katie realized she could use the magical fish to save her sister, so she very rudely kicked the nearest goblin in a vulnerable place, seized the fish and ran off.

When she managed to force her sister to breathe into the fish, she immediately began to speak again, and only ever baaaed occasionally and mostly under her breath. The innkeeper’s other son, the more responsible one, quickly became enamored with Katie’s sister, and used her mutual enamorment to implore Katie to continue to help his brother.

And Katie was good, so Katie agreed.

She returned to the goblin party one more time, and had not been there long when she heard one goblin whisper to another:

“Yeah, if the kid just eats these dice, it’ll break the spell he’s under and he’ll stop coming here and giving us all his money. So, you know, don’t tell him.”

Katie promptly very rudely kicked the goblin in a vulnerable place and grabbed the dice, then found the boy and informed him they were leaving. The boy refused, so she very rudely kicked him in a vulnerable place as well, and dragged him from the hill.

He ate the dice with his oatmeal the next morning, and never again felt the urge to return to the hill and lose to the goblins at cards.

As for Katie, she was offered the boy’s hand in marriage by the innkeeper, which she refused. She did, however, serve as maid of honor when her sister married the more responsible son, and it was a lovely ceremony indeed.

The End.

Source: Kate Crackernuts, Joseph Jacobs

The Handsome Cat July 23, 2009

Once upon a time, a great man died, leaving his business, his house, and his handsome cat to his oldest, middle and youngest sons, respectively.

Now the youngest son was somewhat put out about being left nothing but a cat, even if he was quite a handsome cat, with his own fine boots and a hat with a feather in it. As he watched his brothers profit from the business and the house they had inherited, he contrived ways he might profit from the cat he had inherited.

Finally, a day came when he was sure he had something. Going outside to collect the paper one day, he nearly tripped over what he later discovered to be the headless body of a mouse. He couldn’t imagine how it had ended up there, until the cat came over and meowed, nudging the mouse in his direction.

He suddenly became aware that the cat was giving him the mouse, that it was a great and generous gift he was receiving. He thanked the cat profusely, but the cat just cleaned himself and walked away.

And this of course was not the only time it happened. The cat often left him gifts — mice and birds and rats and rabbits, and sometimes centipedes with a few legs chewed off. The youngest son appreciated and collected them all, with one very important goal in mind.

And on the fateful day the King came through town, the young man approached him and offered up the treasures his cat had caught for him, waiting to be given praise, a great castle, and the King’s lovely daughter in return.

The King immediately had security drag the young man off and rough him up a little.

The young man went home, dejected, and asked his handsome cat why things hadn’t worked out, but the cat just cleaned himself and walked away.

The End.

Source: Puss in Boots, Or, The Master Cat, Charles Perrault

The Bremen Consultancy Firm July 20, 2009

Once upon a time, a donkey found himself working harder and harder to manage the farm work he had done with little trouble  for many years.

Although he suspected that his farmer would allow him to retire on the farm, and spend the rest of his years lounging about the grass, hee-hawing at anyone he liked,  he thought he might want to try something new, and so he decided to start a Consultancy Firm. He set out at once for Bremen, an up and coming town sure to be in need of his services.

He had only traveled a short distance when he came upon an elderly dog laying just outside a porch in the sun.

“Hello, friend! How goes it?”

The dog attempted to shrug.

“I’m having trouble catching things in my advanced age,” he explained. “But I don’t know what to do with myself instead.”

The donkey explained his consultancy plan to the dog.

“Who will consult us? And what will we advise?”

“Oh, farm life, of course! How to haul things efficiently, how to chase squirrels. How to find good sunny spots for laying, and getting the most out of your dinner.”

The dog was quite satisfied with that answer, and agreed to travel to Bremen at once.

They traveled through the day and into dusk, and soon realized that Bremen was a touch farther than they had anticipated. They began looking for hotels in which to spend the night, but only found a house.Thinking that they could impose on the owners for just one night, they peeked in the windows.

Inside they found, to their horror, several men sitting around a table. But they were wearing white collars, and holding big suspicious stacks of money.

“White collar criminals!” the donkey and the dog exclaimed. “They don’t deserve this house! We do!” And so, the dog stood on the donkey and they shouted as loudly as they could: “We have your assets!”

However, the men inside only heard the commotion made by all the barking and the hee-hawing, since white collar criminals don’t speak dog or donkey.

Luckily, the noise was quite scary enough.

They ran from the house, and did not return until morning, when the donkey and the dog had already left, and were setting up meetings with potential clients.

The End.

Source: The Bremen Town Musicians, Brothers Grimm

How to Treat Tea Kettles That Are Also Badgers July 16, 2009

Once upon a time, an unfortunate wise man lost his tea kettle. It simply stopped making tea one day, brewing instead some form of Very Berry Fruit Punch.

The wise man hated Very Berry Fruit Punch.

Luckily, he was able to procure a new tea tea kettle quickly enough, bought from the shifty fellow who hung out behind the knitting supplies store.

He brought it home, set it to boil, and was extremely frustrated to find that nothing happened. Quite angry, he threw the kettle against the wall.

And then something amazing happened.

The kettle grew legs and a tail, and suddenly the wise man found himself looking at a badger with the body of a tea kettle.

It growled and charged, and consequently, was the last thing the wise man ever saw.

Some time later, the wise man’s house was looted, and the tea kettle ended up back on the street. It was purchased shortly by a trouser repairman, who brought it home and was mystified when it failed to produce tea.

So, he put a few handfuls of berries in it, figuring it might at least serve as storage, and was thus surprised when it transformed into a badger with a kettle body and began to purr. Suddenly, the faint figure of what looked like a wise man appeared, and haltingly implored him to run from the creature as quickly as he could.

But it looked so friendly, so he gave it a treat and taught it tricks. Eventually, he and the creature began to perform at shows that charged no admission, but sold overly expensive hot dogs and lemonade. The ghostly wise man felt a little bitter about the way things had turned out, but he usually enjoyed the shows, nonetheless.

The End.

Source: The Wonderful Tea Kettle, Japanese folktale

P.S. Beatrix Cottonpants would like those of you not already familiar with The Wonderful Tea Kettle to note that the badger/kettle creature was not, in fact, her invention.

Miss Muffet Admits Defeat July 13, 2009

Once upon a time, one Little Miss Muffet helped herself to a heaping plate of delicious lasagna and found a comfortable armchair in which to eat it.

However, just as she was about to sit down and enjoy her meal, Someone called out and stopped her.

No!” Someone shouted. “That is an armchair! You must sit upon a tuffet!”

“A tuffet?”

“A tuffet.”

“And what, pray tell, is a tuffet?”

“That is a tuffet,” Someone said, and suddenly what looked like an ottoman without any legs appeared before her. “Also, half a bushel.”

“What?”

“Nevermind.”

The tuffet did not look nearly as comfortable as the armchair.

“And who are you to tell me to sit upon a tuffet?” asked our stubborn (and hungry) Miss Muffet.

“The Narrator,” The Narrator replied.

“Oh,” said Miss Muffet, and then sat upon the tuffet.

It took some time to get comfortable, but once she had, she once again picked up that delicious lasagna.

“No!” The Narrator shouted. “That is lasagna! You must eat curds and whey!”

“Curds and whey?”

“Curds and whey.”

“And what, pray tell, are curds and whey?”

“This is curds and whey, ” the Narrator said said, and suddenly, a bowl of what looked like cottage cheese floating in milky water appeared before her.

Miss Muffet took one look at the curds and whey, and decided she had had enough of the whole situation. She left with a bit of a stomp and a grumble.

Sometime later…

Along came a spider, who landed on the armchair and helped himself to the lasagna. It was delicious.

The End.

Source: Little Miss Muffet, English Nursery Rhyme.

Ashley Guppie, Part Two July 8, 2009

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Ashley Guppie who was really rather anxious. You see, she’d recently discovered that one of her neighbors was, in fact, a bear, and when she had attempted to thwart his attempts to devour herself and her sisters,  the trick had not worked, the devouring had been abandoned, and worse yet, Ashley was sure the bear knew she was on to him.

And now, she was just waiting for him to make a move to keep her quiet.

The whole thing made her very very nervous.

What made her especially nervous was that her two younger sisters had remained friends with the bear’s little girls and still often visited them at home, no matter how Ashley tried to persuade them to stay home.

Ashley finally admitted she needed some help, and joined a support group for victims of magical anomalies. At first she had trouble fitting in, but soon met a young king who was also experiencing anxiety stemming from a walking talking bear. After many conversations, Ashley and the king realized that they were in fact discussing the same bear.

“Ill need to be sure”, he told her one day. “Can you find out what color his purse is?”

“His purse?”

“His purse.”

So Ashley asked her sisters, and they reported back that the purse was dark green.

“That’s the one!” he said. “But I still need to be sure. Can you tell me what weapon hangs over the mantle?”

So Ashley asked her sisters, and they reported back that a crossbow hung over the mantle.

“That’s the one!” he said. “But I still need to be sure. The bear I know had a fine gold ring. Can you tell me which paw he wears it on?”

So Ashley asked her sisters, and they reported back that he wore it on his left paw.

“Oh,” said the king. He sounded disappointed. “The bear I know wore it on his right paw. They must not have been the same bear after all.”

With that, he walked away, and Ashley found herself less anxious, and more angry.

The End.

Source: Molly Whuppie

Tam Lin Keeps Secrets July 6, 2009

Once upon a time there was a meadow.

In the meadow was a tree.

On the tree there was a branch.

Under the branch there was a well.

Next to the well, there was a flower.

One day, a girl named Janet picked the flower, and someone else became very upset.

You see, this particular meadow was already occupied by the infamous Tam Lin, who, if the stories were to be believed, spent most of his time robbing or seducing anyone who wandered into his home.

He asked Janet not to pick the flowers, and to kindly go home, politely at first, and then not so politely.

But Janet refused. The meadow was really hers, she claimed, as it belonged to her parents.

They argued for a little while, and then Janet went home for dinner. She was surprised to find herself with child.

When she went back to the meadow to confront Tam Lin about it, she couldn’t find him. Until, of course, she picked a flower and he came running out to stop her.

“Oh, that’s my bad,” he said, when she explained the situation. “Did I not explain that picking the flowers gets you pregnant? You may have to watch out for twins now.”

Janet managed to remain calm while explaining to Tam Lin that he had not told her any such thing, and that since a flower couldn’t very well help her raise a baby, he would have to do. Thus, she explained, they would have to start spending a lot more time together.

So they did, and a for a while, things were actually going quite well.

Until the day that what had to be a faery hunt (tiny and elfin on horseback and loaded with weapons) rode by and all flashed some sort of hand signal at Tam Lin.

“What’s that all about?” Janet asked.

“Did I not explain that the Queen of Faerie sort of owns me?” Tam Lin responded.

After Janet indicated that, no, he had not, Tam Lin explained that some time ago, he had fallen from his horse and been captured by Faeries, who gave him the meadow.

It was nearly Halloween at this time, and on the day itself, Janet went to see Tam Lin again. He was dressed very nicely, all in white.

“Did I not explain that I need you to save me tonight?” he asked.

Janet indicated that no, he had not, and he explained that the Faeries wanted to sacrifice him that night, to whatever it is faeries sacrifice their humans to, but that she, as his own true love and sort of the the mother of his child, could save him.

“Is that so?”

It was, he said, and explained: He would be forced to join the faeries as they rode about on their horses. If she intercepted them and dragged Tam Lin from his horse, they would turn him into a variety of creatures — a snake, a lion, a metal rod. As long as he held on, he was hers for keeps.

Janet agreed, somewhat reluctantly. And that night, she met him at the appointed time and place, and waited for the faeries to ride by. When she saw Tam Lin, awkwardly perched atop a very small horse, she pulled him down and held on tight.

Immediately, he was transformed. He became an otter! And he became…an otter. She held on tight anyway, and as the company of faeries rode away, he remained an otter.

At first, she gave him the benefit of the doubt, but when her child came out half otter, she became fairly sure he was keeping something from her.

The End.

Source: Tam Lin, Child’s Ballad #39

Of Princesses and Pirates July 2, 2009

Once upon a time, there was a little princess. The little princess was admired by all, courtiers and commoners alike, because she was clever and polite and never complained about having to finish her dinner before eating dessert.

But the little princess had a secret.

Sometimes, the little princess was also a little pirate.

Some nights she would remove her pointy veiled hat from her head and replace it with a black tri-corner hat decorated with a skull and crossbones. She would sneak some cake from the kitchen and bring it to the castle next door for the two princesses who lived there. In exchange, they would cover for her while she climbed aboard her ship, shouted orders to her crew, and terrorized the seas just beyond her home.

And she was always back in bed  before morning.

Until, one day, the other princesses turned on her. They were tired of cake, they said. They wanted cookies, they said. And brownies, they said. With frosting and sprinkles.

The little princess tried her hardest to make it happen, but as their demands grew more specific, she found herself unable to supply, and so they stopped covering for her.

For some time, the seas went unterrorized, the boats nearby untouched, their jewels secure. The princess was very sad.

But one day, she saw the other little princesses, the ones who had betrayed her, playing outside in their boat, and she had an idea.

Without making an excuse, she boarded her pirate ship and steered it toward the other princesses. As she grew closer, she saw they had cookies, and brownies. With the might of her ship and her crew behind her, the little princess stormed the ship and took all the desserts with her when she left.

But that night, she was too full to finish her dinner. She went to bed sick, with the sad voices of the other princesses repeating mean things in her head. At one point, she thought she dreamed that an angry cookie was chasing her about the docks.

It was a terrible night, and the very next day, the princess went to the other two girls with a cake and an apology. She even offered to make them her first and second mate.

From then on, all three princesses shared their desserts, and worked together to steal cookies and cakes and brownies and tarts, not to mention bags of money and precious jewels,  from the other, weaker children in other kingdoms.

The End.

© A Beatrix Cottonpants Original.